Lectionary Calendar
Wednesday, December 4th, 2024
the First Week of Advent
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Read the Bible

Simplified Cowboy Version

Matthew 14

1 When old King Herod heard 'bout Jesus, 2 he said, "This must be the ghost of John the Baptist come back to life." 3 Herod's wife had conned the King into throwin' John in the jailhouse. 4 John had told the King that it was wrong for him to marry his brother's wife. 5 The King would have killed him right away, but he was afraid there might be an uprising against him because John was a prophet.

6 At Herod's birthday bash, his wife's daughter danced a jig that really impressed the King. 7 Herod told her she could have anything she wanted because she had danced so well. 8 At her momma's bidding, she asked the King for the head of John the Baptist.

9 Herod was plumb tore up about this and didn't know what to do. He'd given his word and he couldn't back down from that.

10 So John's head was chopped off 11 and brought on a tray to the daughter who then took it to her momma.

12 John's crew then came and laid claim to his body and went and buried it on Boot Hill. Then they went and told Jesus what had happened.

13 When Jesus heard the news, he rode off out into the pasture to be alone. But a bunch of people saw him ride out and they followed him.

14 When Jesus got back from his ride, he felt sorry for all those who had gathered and waited on him. He took pity on 'em and healed all who were ailing.

15 When the sun was goin' down, Jesus's crew came up and told him to send everyone back to town so they could get 'em some supper. 16 But Jesus said it weren't necessary. "Y'all feed 'em."

17 They all looked at him like he'd grown donkey ears. "All we got to feed with is five biscuits and two small catfish."

18 "Bring 'em over here," Jesus said. 19 He told everyone to hunker down while he said grace over the food. He asked God's blessing over the meager meal and then broke the biscuits apart. The cowboys were told to take some to everybody. 20 By the time everyone was finished eating, they were all layin' up under the mesquites as full as ticks. There was even twelve baskets of food left over. 21 Not counting womenfolk and kiddos, there was over five thousand cowboys.

22 Jesus told his cowboys to go load up in a boat and head home while he made sure everyone else made it back to town. 23 When they had all left, he rode up on a mountain so he could be alone and pray.

24 By this time, the boys were way out in the middle of this huge lake and a big storm had come up. This storm was a poundin' the tar out of everything and the cowboys were scared. 25 A little while later, Jesus came out of the storm walkin' right across the water. 26 The cowboys saw him and thought for sure a ghost was comin' for 'em. They started screamin' and bellowin' like the end was near.

27 Jesus hollered for 'em to relax and said, "Don't worry fellas! It's me, Jesus. Don't be afraid."

28 Pete hollered back at him, "Jesus, if it's really you, tell me to walk out there on that water and come to you."

29 Jesus smirked and said, "Come on then." Peter stood up and walked right off the boat and strode right out there on the water.

30 But Pete seen the lightning and how the wind was makin' waves and he got scared all over again and began to sink. "Oh, no! Help me Jesus! Help me, I'm a sinkin' down!"

31 Jesus walked over to him and grabbed him by the shirt collar and said, "Your faith wouldn't fill a thimble. How come you doubt me?"

32 When Jesus got both of 'em over to the shore, the wind died down and the lightning stopped. 33 The cowboys huddled underneath a mesquite, got down on their knees, and said, "You are most certainly God's Boy!"

Jesus Heals Some Sick Folks

34 Jesus and his cowboys rode into the town of Gennesaret. 35 The folks found out he was there and sent word to everyone in the county that Jesus and his boys were there. Sick folks came from miles around so Jesus would make 'em better. 36 They begged Jesus to just let 'em touch his boots, and everyone who did was made well.

 
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