Lectionary Calendar
Wednesday, December 4th, 2024
the First Week of Advent
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Read the Bible

Simplified Cowboy Version

Matthew 24

The Church Building and the Return of Jesus

1 After Jesus left the church, his cowboys were all gawkin' and talkin' about how big everything was. 2 Jesus told 'em, "All this stuff, no matter how big or how nice it is, will be torn down. There won't be one brick that stays where it's at."

3 Later, Jesus was backed up against a tree resting on top of Olive Hill. A few of his cowboys came up and asked, "How will we know when you're ridin' back to get us? Are you gonna give us a whistle or a yell or send us a letter?"

4 Jesus thought hard and then his eyebrows knitted together as he spoke. "Don't let anyone pull the wool over your eyes. 5 There's gonna be a whole mess of people who claim to be me. They will ride into town and claim to be the cowboy who has come to save you."

6 "You will hear about wars and battles, but don't fret, this isn't the end. These things must happen, but it ain't the end. 7 Nations and countries will kill each other. Folks will starve to death in their own houses and there will be earthquakes in many different territories. 8 But this is just the birthin' of the problems that will follow.

9 "Y'all are gonna be beaten and even killed. They will hate you because you ride for me. 10 Folks are gonna start stabbin' each other in the back every day. 11 And a lot of snake-oil salesmen will come and lead many people down the wrong trail. 12 Folks are gonna stop lovin' each other and focus on themselves and the evil that lives there. 13 But if y'all keep your hearts on my message and keep ridin' for me all day, every day, you will be spared and saved. 14 When the good news of my tale has finally been taken to every part of every territory, then the end will come.

The Defecation of Desecration

15 "One day you will see the most horrible thing in the world. You will see the 'Defecation of Desecration' right there in the church's most holy place. If you've read what Daniel wrote you'll know what I mean when I say that everyone should try real hard to understand. 16 If you're livin' in or around Judea when this happens, saddle up your horse right then, not later, and shuck out for the hills. 17 If you're patchin' some shakes on the roof, don't even go back inside, just ride. 18 If you're muckin' out stalls, don't go back in and change boots. 19 This ride will be double tough on pregnant womenfolk and those with babies who are still on the suck. 20 You ought to pray that this time don't come in the winter or on Sunday, when you're supposed to be restin'. 21 This time is gonna be plumb awful. Nothin' like this has ever been seen or will ever be seen again. 22 If the Boss don't step in with his mighty hand and make this time as short as possible, ain't nobody gonna make it out alive. Nobody! But because God loves the cowboys who ride for him, he's gonna step in and make sure it don't go on too long.

23 "People may yell, 'Here's Jesus!' or 'There he is, I see him!' but don't believe them. 24 Jesus impersonators and fake cowboys will come and do amazin' things and fool people. They will even try to fool those cowboys who ride for my Father's brand. 25 I'm readyin' the trail for you and givin' you ample warning ahead of time. 26 If a city slicker tells you that Jesus is out in the desert, don't believe them. If someone tells you that I am in a hidden place and they know where to find me, don't believe their forked tongue. 27 When the Boss's Son returns, you'll know for sure. It'll be like the sky has been cracked open and lightning and thunder have come alive and rode straight from heaven itself. Every cowboy and every city slicker on earth will be able to see and hear it. 28 If you see a crowd of people gathered like buzzards and you don't know what they are lookin' at, it sure enough won't be me. Buzzards circle around the dead, not the Boss's Son.

When the Son Arrives

29 "After the Boss steps in and all the sufferin' is over, 'The sun will go out and the moon won't shine anymore. The stars will fall and every universe will tremble.'

30 "When this happens, the Son will ride back. Every person will see it and there will be no doubt. People who have chosen to ride alone or with someone else, instead of with me, will cry and wail in terror when they see me ride out of heaven with all the power of God in my right hand. 31 At the sound of the bugler's charge, the Son will send all the winged riders to gather the faithful who have chosen to ride with him from all over the earth.

32 "Learn a lesson from a fruit tree. When the branches start buddin' out, you know warmer weather is approachin'. 33 When you see all these things I told you start happenin', you'll know that I am approachin'. 34 I ain't just talkin' to people hundreds of years from now, I'm talkin' right at y'all sitting here too. 35 The rocks imbedded in the deepest mountains and the blue sky over your heads will not last forever, but my word will.

36 "Nobody but the Boss knows the day or the hour all of this will happen. The winged riders don't know. Your know-it-all neighbor don't know. Not even the Boss's Son knows. Only the Boss knows. 37 When you see the Boss's Son come back, it will be just like when the rain started fallin' in the time of Noah. 38 Folks were cookin' on the grill and havin' their drink of choice and celebratin' weddings right up to the time that Noah jumped on the big boat. 39 Despite everything that Noah told 'em, they were surprised when the flood came and washed 'em down the gulley. This is exactly how it will be when I come back.

40 "Two cowboys will be gatherin' cattle and one will be taken and the other left right there in the saddle. 41 Two cowgirls will be feedin' horses and one will be taken and the other left standin' right there. 42 Be on the lookout and don't get lax in the saddle. Keep both feet in your stirrups and one eye on the sky. You won't know when I'm comin' back, so be ready. 43 You got to keep a sharp watch. If you knew what time a horse thief was comin', you would be ready with your rifle. 44 Mark my words and be ready for the Son to come ridin' back down.

45 "Who are the top hands and faithful riders of the brand? Who will the Boss choose to make foreman and ramrods? 46 Cowboys who are found doin' their job when the cattle foreman shows up unannounced will be rewarded. 47 If a cowboy does his job the way it's supposed to be done, then he will be promoted on the Boss's spread. 48 But what about the cowboy out there in that far line camp that thinks nobody is watchin'? 49 Suppose he quits checkin' the waters and fails to feed cow cake in the winter. What if he invites all his buddies out to the house and all they do is get drunk and pitch washers instead of what he's supposed to be doing? 50 You can bet that one day the cattle foreman will ride up to the camp without givin' any notice. 51 This cowboy will be thrown off the ranch along with the all the others who pretend to ride for the brand. There they will be exposed to pain and sufferin' like nobody has ever seen.

 
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